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FUCKING CANT DO THIS ANYMORE

Fri Jan 9, 2009, 9:31 PM

This is a rant. If you don't care don't fucking read it.

So I'm tired of life at the moment. School feels like jail, I feel like a fat ass failure, people are fucking mean, and I hate myself.

School feels like a waste of time, stuck in a place where I hate half the people, the memories, everything. I can't take walking down the halls, being around people who are mean, stuck in a room with someone I thought I onced loved, but in truth he ripped me apart. I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams, I can't breath really, I'm under so much pressure.

I'm being torn apart, I'm told I'm pretty, by alot of people, but I just don't see it. I look in the mirror, and thing "fuck, another day with this ugly, and this fat." I'm also being told I'm fat and I should screw off, get a life. i can't stand it. I'm not going to kill myself, don't tell my "omg don't do it I love you!!!" but fuck guys. THis is the internet. Not real life. DOn't take me wrong I like talking to peole, but really.
I feel like I'm fat and I don't look good at all. I feel like I fail at life, and I've been getting back inot shit I know I shouldnt. I've already tried to kill myself three times. It's amazing how much hate I have towards myself. I'm not surpreised, I'm cutting once in a while, not h core but still. I haven't eaten a full meal in a week. maybe a bag of almonds and an apple a day, but i do have somethings, maily drinks, water and what not. Tea. Whatever. BUt i can't do anything about it. I feel like a failure when I eat. It feels fine, natureal, but there a part of me that is screaming that it's wrong. I feel fat, bloated and after. I can't stand this anymore,I want to feel good about myself. But I can't, I can't tell anyone really about this. I'm scared and I feel dead inside. This whole month feels like nothing to me, just waking up and doing what i have to. Not bothering to really live life. I just hate being told I'm fat, ugly and stupid. It make's me feel even less then hat i lalready think. By myself I've almost driven myself over the edge, more than once. And it feels like that's coming back, but worse this time. I feel like I'm watching my world go on, and i'm staying in one place. I feel numb. Music helps, but it doesn' fill the empty void I have, nothing seems to.

I just don't know what to do.

18 Comments

Mood: Miserable
Eating: nothing at all.
Drinking: Water.

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=ibentley34 Jan 9, 2009, 10:29:22 PM

Well... I don't know you beyond what you have posted up on here, but you seem like a nice person, and I am sure that you are. When I was in school, I also thought that it was a waste of my time... most of the stuff that I was taught I have not used yet, and probably will never use again in my lifetime. Also, when I was in school, I never fit in, and always got made fun of. Moving on to college was a good experience to me. I fit in much better now, and the people I know are really nice. As for the people who say that you are "fat" don't let that get to you. Never let people like that get to you. Trust me, it may be and will be hard to block those people out, but you need to do it. Chances are those people also have problems that they are dealing with and they are choosing to make fun of others as a release. Learn to accept yourself as is. You don't need to love how you look, but don't stop eating or do worse because of what others and yourself have over time drilled into your mind. Sure, cutting is one way to release pain, but in turn it causes pain. There are other ways to release your pain. Try taking up a sport, or dance. Even just screaming at the top of your lungs and just crying can help. There are people who can help you out there, and there are people who love you. I can't do anything more than give you this advice because I don't know you beyond this site. I hope that you will find the help that you need.

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Shutter Speed: 737,463/100,000,000 second.... that's one fast shutter.... that's taking a photo in 0.00737463 of a second.

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=FunkySockMonkey Jan 10, 2009, 9:29:55 AM

Hello

I'm sorry to hear that your not doing so good.

School may feel like a waste of time and of course the people at school may be jerks. what they say, you shouldn't let get to you. Once they figure that your not bothered by what they said to you they will just leave you alone. and School just trying to prepare you for what may come in the future. Just try your best to embrace it everyday.

and I don't believe your fat by the photos you have of yourself. but even if you do have a little fat on you you shouldn't be ashamed. Women are suppose to have some meat on their bones, and thats when the media come in and destroys everything with lies of "being skinny to be pretty"
So please don't starve yourself because people are saying your fat, but if your not eating right /healthy than try to change your food intake but never starve yourself for physical attraction.

And don't worry theres help out there for you. maybe if you talk to people you love and loves you back about theses things you'll be on the right track to getting back your life of happiness.

Just take care of yourself. okay?

~katsuya-nara Jan 10, 2009, 5:17:14 PM

Glad to know Im not alone...
Hope you get better...

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Just Smile Back...

~pencilchickii Jan 11, 2009, 7:46:16 AM

thanks.
i think i just needed to get all of that off my chest.
i've been eating better lately so i'mgetting there.

thank you so much (:

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Look for the girl with the broken smilE

~pencilchickii Jan 11, 2009, 7:47:06 AM

thnal yo for your words (:
i've been eating better lately so i think i'm getting there (:

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Look for the girl with the broken smilE

~pencilchickii Jan 11, 2009, 7:51:57 AM

i'm eating again. better than i was. hope you don't freak out like i did.

love you

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Look for the girl with the broken smilE

=ibentley34 Jan 11, 2009, 9:27:31 AM

That's good to hear.

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Shutter Speed: 737,463/100,000,000 second.... that's one fast shutter.... that's taking a photo in 0.00737463 of a second.

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